Human Relationships Hurt.

I don't understand much about human relationships.  Clearly.  No matter the lessons learned and experiences gained in your past, nothing prepares you for present and future ones.

It hurts somewhere deep, where you don't think it will affect you.  This feeling creeps in and settles itself.  It plans to stay a while and completely destroys any chances.

To kid.

[OLD. Previously written early to mid February]

Did a pregnancy scare change my mind on having a kid of my own?  I'm currently a week late.  Semi freaking out.  I'm not ready but I'm in denial and am thinking it will come. 

It will.  It has to.

I never thought I was invincible to pregnancy but in the last decade I've never been in this situation. 

My stance on kids are simple.  I'm not ready.  I don't have a steady job, I'm back living with my parents, I am not in a relationship.  I never saw myself having a child, I couldn't picture it but now.. this weird feeling is happening.

I always thought I'd get an abortion.  I should.  I can't raise a child when I can't take care of myself.  If I had a career and able to pay my own rent, that would change the game.  Or would it?

My mind is blank but I'm also spinning in circles.

Don't stop

My mind does not stop.  Music hits me in the soul, right where it hurts.  New nightmares last night.  Why?  I saw you in my alternate world, where I think up insane scenarios when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Halsey.IsThereSomewhere

I did something.

I did something today I'm surely going to regret, or cause a set back.  In my heart I felt it was right at the time.  We will see.   It's been a long time coming.

More later.

C

Jobs, part 1

Here's a wild thought.  If you went to school for accounting, chances are you wanted to be an accountant.  Right?

I got a business degree knowing it's generic enough and a the time, I had no idea.  Not enough experiences because honestly in college there are two types of students.  The "I know" and the "I don't know."  The "I know" kids go off on their merry way (and OK yes sometimes what they thought doesn't always work out, but they had direction).

The "I don't know" kids might seem lost and just gloat along after graduation taking what they can get and so be it.  It doesn't mean they wont find their path along the way, some longer than others.  It shouldn't be expected that a young 20-something should know what they're going to do but coming out of college that was the undeniable pressure that was felt and if you didn't know then society made you feel bad about it.  Going to school, spending that money and not knowing.

I bet you fell into one or the other here.  With or without a college degree at that.  With hard work or by chance, someone took a bet on you and there you are, reading this letter.

Congratulations.
_______________________

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Offspring.

I don't want you to want to be with me because I may or may not want kids one day.  I want you to be with me because you love me.

Right?  Having offspring is quite the deal breaker these days.

Single parents. Dating. Single people. Dating.  We're a mess of imperfect people with less than perfect idea of what we think we want and need.

When you know, I feel like that's it. You know. You either want to be a parent, or you have no desire to.  No one should be swayed one way or another to be in and stay in a relationship.

That's the idea of it anyways, because it absolutely sucks to fall in love with someone only to know that its never going to work out because of what they want in the end. 

Except for myself.

I wish I could believe people are honest. I wish I could believe the things that we should believe. Like, if they wanted to be together they would be. Right? Sometimes I feel like people think they're stuck if they say they want to be with someone and then change their mind. Why is that? Why is it that no one has a backbone anymore when it comes to love and relationships. If there's even a such thing as love. I feel like were forced to question that every day.

I really do want to believe that love exists, and I want to believe the peoples actions aren't really a reflection of how they actually feel. We all perceive things differently so we might really see what we want to see based on how we feel and not what it's really meant to be.

Sometimes I feel like I trick myself into believing that I shouldn't be happy.  That everyone's motive is to destroy me and so I see what they do and think its a negative action. It's such a dark way to live, because in reality believe me no ones out to get me except for myself.

2015.1

I spent half the year with my best friend by my side and the other half alone.

Last year on the eve of the New Year, we were pulling into the hotel, talking about what would order for food and all the fun things we do to each other. I miss it. So much. Desire. He had me under a spell. I had only known him 3 months and I could see the rest of our lives together laid out in front of me.

I met him online, his profile said separated. He had a photo of a little baby and in my mind I prayed it was his niece or a friends kid. Of course it wasn’t. The first night we talked, we texted for a while and spoke on the phone for hours. We talked continuously for the next week for hours on end. The moment we met, I knew I was in trouble. There was an instant connection.

I was head over heels. His shaved head and grizzly face. Tattooed ears and over stretched earlobes. Those eyes pierced through me like knives. I see them in my sleep, haunting me. Those eyes knew what I was feeling before I did. I don’t think anyone will ever look at me the same way he did and that scares me.

I saw those eyes through so many emotions. Happiness, bliss, love, pain, anger, sadness. I saw those eyes cry for his daughter, for himself and for me. Totally lost in the moments, I could look into the openness of them and be perfectly content.

I believed he loved me. I had to. I also believe in the convenience of it all. Was I there to fill a void? Did I see what I wanted to see? I accepted him for who he was fully and I had to believe he accepted me. I was with a married man who was about to be a single father. I had to learn patience. Good thing I had practice from the man-child I briefly dated that summer before I met him.

Not only did I have to be patient, I had to come to the conclusion I would never come first (except in bed). Would that be OK? Was it a tradeoff for more than half the week and his obvious need (insert custody agreement) to sacrifice the weekend to be alone so he could make up for lost time with his 3 year old? He did have to work 40 hours in a 3 day span to do this driving 2.5 in the car a day to/from work. So when was there time for "us?”

No. It’s not that I didn’t try to make the weekend thing work. It’s dicey with a kid involved and we weren’t trying to confuse an already fucked up 3 year old. Ultimately, this factor was the reason it ended. That and some other things.

By law, he was married. By the look of his house, she was definitely gone. For the record, she was gone months before I knew him. She didn’t make it easy though. That, if I’m not happy you’re not happy mentality. We all do it though, let’s be serious. In some aspect you’ve had that mind set and I couldn’t even be mad. It was weird but I felt bad for her. She gave up quick because pretending to care about something you don’t care about probably got exhausting. She kept herself busy with the guy she left him for and spending the least amount of time possible with her daughter.

They say many contradictory things about love and what it means. They say that timing is everything but at the same time that it doesn't matter the circumstances, love is love and you should give your all to make it work. You shouldn't give your all if you receive nothing in return. The constant battle between head and heart, right and wrong, mind and soul. He is my one and the moment it ended, I lost a part of myself I’ll never see again.

Snail Mail

Putting a letter in the mailbox is pretty huge. Especially if the content is heavy. So heavy that an email wouldn't do it justice.  And it's not like when you send an email or text, that yeah ok you know the recipient will most likely see it within the hour.  It's the unknown of the mail system that makes snail mail so significant. 

I put a letter in the mail today.  To my "other" and I'm not sure when it will be received or if it will come with a response.  But I'm a little anxious over it.

Till next time, nothing to see here.

So, here goes.

Clearly, forgot my WHAT WENT WELL for yesterday, so here goes!!!

1. Made a journey binder, not nearly complete and will be a work in progress.

2. Half hour brisk walk and out door yoga in Charlestown.

3. ROTD on Yelp!

Yayy.

What Went Well

I have a long draft waiting to publish but as I collect my thoughts, I press on.

What a drunk post the other night eyy, man oh man. Have I been on a kiddie coaster.

Anyways, new day. New topic. See photo.

Alas - day one of - WHAT WENT WELL?

1. I completed part one of a reconcile/comparison project at work.

2. Looked into alternative fitness opportunities in addition to training.

3. Did laundry, cooked, cleaned, showered and actually got in bed at about 9pm, SHOCKING for me as of late.

See, now let's do this everyday or close to - what went well for you today?

Thanks to that post by #JaimeBaird which can be found at - http://www.fitnessrxmag.com/win-the-day/1547-happiness-boosters.html

Ex nay on the label yay.

I mean, I really let myself down this time. As I think about this tapping of the keys, I cringe. There's so much happening and I have a drafted post on the work server.

But what are we supposed to do?

So, side track I went from jamming silently to Kelly Clarkson to MILLYZ, cause he's awesome.

But anyways, back to the topic. What to do.

About a lot. Single to mingle.

I make a lot of bad decisions.

Oh hi.

I wanna snuggle with MILLYZ voice right now. He. So. Sexy.

Oh hi.

So this is where I'm going with this, I fucked up last winter. I shouldn't have like just forgot anything. I shouldn't have been like all about a certain someone. I wouldn't have gained and I would have been great, FUCK it could be me.

Could. And that's where I put myself.


Ex nay on the label yay. I honestly don't think there is competition, please I heard familia perspective but it's like what did happen and how to fix it..

Although. Let's be honest, there's a solid friendship. Ehh. What to do.

Oh. Hi. Draft. Post. Still. In. Que.

OOOH I'M POSTING MINUS EDITING. EAT SHIT. POOOPS.

Kaeng Raeng - Day One

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BUT... I drafted it! Hahhaa, so here it goes.
________________
I began this morning, June 24. This post is being written as the day goes on.


Quick rundown on myself. I am 25 years old, 178lbs, 5'4". I've recently been very into staying fit and watching my weight. I've lost 25 since December 2011.


The first drink I made was Reunn Joyful (strawberry, raspberry, pineapple) and I mixed it with Keifer, coconut water, frozen banana and peaches and some spinach. It was on the thick side, I generally like my smoothies that way.


It was good, I drank half of in the bottle prior to a 4 mile walk and the other half afterward.


It went well, tasted fine. I think that for when I make lunch, I'll make it a bit more liquidy.


I ate a large bowl of veggies after another two miles. I had some yellow pepper, cucumber and carrots. At that moment I wanted to change my mind and quit.


More background - my roommate is having people over for a BBQ later. I'm wicked smart to begin today but some shit in my life hit the fan this morning so I decided today was the day while visions of turkey burgers dance in my head.


I stay drinking water on the daily, I think at this moment (3:09pm), I've drank 80 ounces thus far and see myself drinking at least 2x that the remainder. Water is amazing. I'm sickly addicted.


I went to Stop and Shop to pick up a few items, all fresh veggies and fruit for my adventure here.


I made ---- when I got back. Because my blender is at work, I made it with the magic bullet, and made three packed cups with spinach, blk water, pineapple, pieces of banana, mixed berries, green chille, cottage cheese. I'm not sure if the cottage cheese is acceptable but yogurt is for the mixing part and I have some that will be going bad soon so I'm using it.


It tastes okay, nothing to rave about but also need to zone in on what I want to be mixing these with.


At this point, I want to focus on eyes on the prize but this is hard. I thought I could do it and I hope I can.. need to keep pushing positives in my mind.


Made 2nd small drink and added water for the liquid. I want to quit. This is so hard. I'll make a bowl of veggies to see what happens.


I will be doing a green pepper, celery, carrots, jalapeño and tomato. It kills me not to be able to put hot sauce/ tabasco with my veggies cause that's how I eat them. I mean it's just so damn good.


430pm - totally about to give up. I am just so hungry. I can't get even sort of full.


I've only peed 3x today too, even with my daily highly intake of water I usually pee more but not today. Weird.


By 515pm, I am done, I need food.. nauseous, headaches.. sick.

Warrior Dash 2012

Support St Jude and myself as I make the journey to Las Vegas to compete in the Warrior Dash in October.

Visit my page!

Thank you for your continued support <3

Punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

I try really hard to not think about the "what ifs" in my life. Like, so hard that I'm actually, pretty much, almost always thinking about them. They're like a hang nail you're trying to ignore, let's be real for a moment.. ya can't damn well ignore it too dang much can ya?

Nope.

Didn't think so.

So let's begin.

As of recent, I've begun to think of my daily actions as selfish and foolish. I'm only thinking about myself pretty much all the time. Right, isn't that what we should all be doing? That's what I thought. So in this ME ME ME mentality if we all thought that way, heck we all do think that way. It's probably what's really wrong with the world today.

End tangent, back on topic.

The me right now was the me at the start of 2006, I'm coming full circle. I had experience a huge heart break to wrap up 2005 (well that year was a disaster but I'll get to that later) and was stepping out into my own as a drunk college student. I went ballistic. Pretty much, it doesn't totally need to be explained.

I can sum that up with the following;

Although I'm a little ashamed of how I acted between then and August of 2008 (that date explained later), I couldn't take it back because they not only held the most painful times of my life to date, but also the happiest times. I can't regret the things I enjoyed, none of us can. Even if times were tough we all know it can get harder. It will. Life's proven that to me in many ways and punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

With that noted, I still contemplate the "what if I...." because it's easy to put the blame on something else. I've put together and unofficial list of them.

- What if my Uncle never passed?
- What if I had never met "him 1"?
- What if I hadn't gone to college?
- What if I hadn't lived in the dorm?
- What if I hadn't lived with "the cunt"?
- What if "him 1" and I never broke up, or at least like we did?
- What if I hadn't become a self destructing time bomb?
- What if I wasn't the whore of the dorms?
- What if I didn't disappoint my parents to much?
- What if I hadn't fallen for "him 2"?
- What if "him 2" stayed clean long enough at this point to hold conversation? - this one makes me so upset
- What if I never met "her"?
- What if I kept that sales job?
- What if I had chosen a different major, college, career path, etc.
- What if I never met "him 3," the destroyer of life itself.

Boring you yet? Feel free to comment your "what ifs...".

Let's discuss the last one real quick. If you recall up above, my self destruction period ended abruptly on August 6, 2008. That's when I met "him 3," the destroyer of life. See, as someone on the wrong path and I clearly knew it. I felt so safe from what I was doing to myself that I got so caught up in being tamed. Up until that very moment I can honestly say I had zero intention of having a man in my life. It makes me livid. Livid to type this, that from the moment my eyes landed on this "man," I knew I needed to have him.

It makes me fucking sick.

I threw away everything to be with him and for what? Oh my lawd. I'm getting heated. So.

He wasn't all that bad. We had some good times, like 6 months. Then, well. You know. When we're good, we're good and when we're bad, we're not speaking. Eh. "IT IZ WUT IT IZ," right?

I need to change topics here.

Perhaps another post at a later date about "him 3," the destroyer? It's a love/hate type of deal there and it would totally take this thing way too long so I want to wrap this one up before I spill too more of the chunky details.

Back to the topic.

As you can see my brief list of "what ifs," was actually sort of lengthy and I could totally go on about things I want to change in my life. It doesn't help and it makes things worse. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the way see that I'm acting now is the "grown up" version of me when I broke out in 05/06.

I can honestly say its a little mind fucking, I know what it will bring. I know how I may feel. I can't predict anything but I'll just go right out and say it - this will probably be one of the best years of my youth as long as I let it be. I'm embracing all the changes that have happened thus far and although everything isn't completely in place, I see some great times to come.

Let's be honest for a moment.

Here it is.  What really irks me about online dating. YES. I went back, I had deactivated my account for a bit but really how can I not partake in such hysterical shenanigans?  I must be a loser like the rest.  Suuuursly.

So, here it is.

Usernames like the following;

-          Badboy4u### –really, oh yeah baby I want a bad boy, not.  Okay.. maybe I’m attracted to those kind of guys but I don’t want you to be so aware and youre unaware you make yourself less attractive

-          Sexgod### – does this need an explanation?

-          Slave4u## – Britney Spears, classy

-          Teddybearluvin – ew

BostonBoy###, Beantown### - so many of these it’s hard to tell which one you thought was cute plus it’s so damn generic, I can’t tell you how many there are out there

-  

So, usernames are just funny.  I can’t say that mine is any damn better and I can’t see what other females are using for themselves, but I do know a few girls on there and one has it about Bruins and another has something to do with the ocean.  Mine is pretty terrible, considering I didn’t actually sign up for the site with the right intentions and I was also drunk at the time so I have a fail-fail.. but my name is also true.  Follow my Twitter to see what I mean.

THEREFORE, maybe I’m not creative enough. Nah, I am pretty damn creative.  Toot-toot on my own horn; beeeeep. Lame joke.

Next up, photos.  The most important part of the page, honestly.  Honest-ly.  Let’s face it, we all just click to the photos first and if we like what we see there’s the 50-50 we actually read the About Me, which will be next up of course.

Here’s some descriptions of what I have as photos.  Two of me at the Pat’s game, one of my singing karaoke, two full length shots to show I ain’t a cow/ard (one in Vegas, one in Baton Rouge) and one self-picture but it’s so dang artsy.  I think that’s sort of the type of photos everyone should have.  No damn mirror pictures.  Show that you go out, that you do stuff.  I have people in one of the photos I cropped to protect the innocent but let me tell you that I see a lot of pictures and I saw.. does this kid go out? Does he do stuff? He doesn’t get tagged in Facebook photos, clearly because there is nothing to tell here.  Boring. 

And what is with dirty mirror pictures.  You know exactally what I am talking about. Mirror shots and filthy things happening all around. Hun, I am absolutely not focusing on you at all.  What is that on the mirror? And your toilet.. BELCH.  Suuuursly.

Another gripe, being too close for comfort with another woman in your pictures when it clearly isn’t the kids sister.  That’s a no-no.  Really, just a friend but you’re showing yourself to girls saying you want a relationship? Turn. The. Fack. Off.  I wouldn’t dare post a photo of me kissing a guy on the cheek on my page, so why should a guy be able to do that?

Final topic of the day, the About Me and various messages you receive.  So important, yet so difficult.  Some guys spill their entire story on there, like TMI buddy… TMFI.  Some give their phone numbers in the area.  Really? Like, have you any brains at all.  A decent brained female would never give you the time of day if you’re out there broadcasting you ish like a creeper.  I would certainly not engage in any conversation with the said individuals who do that. 

So let’s dive into the moment you see the picture and you’re like okay.. what’s their About Me section like? So you read and it’s like kinda dry along the lines of. “Hey what’s up I don’t know what to put here so just message me and ask.”  Lame.  Everyone’s interest sort of are similar as a 20-30 year old.  Drink. Party. Sleep. Eat. Work. Sports.. like we get it but some substance is cool too.  Although, then there’s the line of TOO much substance, like so much you’re like eh good thing I looked at this.

My about me is pretty minimal, I don't have much substance to it but guys don't have the mental capacity of a female to I'm sure even care the slightest about what I have to say.  Again, I'm sort of on this for the wrong reasons and it's become a joke with my circle of friends who also partake in online dating.  Let's face it, I don't actually meet any of the people one here, never mind actually hold conversations with them for long on the site.  I get sort of bored.

There’s also spelling errors, grammatical errors, paragraphs wait.. there wasn’t a single line break there.  It would almost be like reading this entire blog post without any line breaks.  Wouldn’t that be so much fun?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.. so why would someone be interested in reading it when you can barely decipher  what they’re saying? It’s like eh, I give up.

When someone writes a message to you and you can tell it’s completely copied and pasted to about 150 girls that same day, you can ignore it and wait for the same message to come a week later OR you can fcuk with them.  That’s the most fun.  Yep, mind games.  They want to think they got you with their clearly pasted blurb but us women are smarter than men and we can one up you every time.  Beware.

Or what about the guys that live at least 6-9 states away from MA and they write you saying how great of a match they think you’d be.  Because, clearly when you live in Ohio, that’s going to work perfectly.

Scratch that final topic part.  I want to touch upon the fact that you’re going to virtually bump into people you know on said online dating site from time to time.  You can make the mistake of saying, OH I KNOW HIM and click his page, laugh and then realize.. OH HE NOW KNOWS I WAS HERE.. thanks recent views.  Shucks, and I wanted to be discrete.  Oh and then they see it, view you and get this, message you! When you very well know that this guy HAS your phone number and is Facebook friends with you.  What a failure moment.  Great.

Now, I know I'm not perfect and no catch but let's be honest for a moment.  We can all complain, it's part of life.  So, ladies of the online dating universe, what are your thoughts about all this.  I know I’ve only hit these topics briefly but let’s have it.  I want to hear what you think, guys too.  Come on kids, don’t be shy.

Prison or Paradise.

If anyone seeing this post could take the time to watch this video, it would be great. 


You can like his Facebook page too.. Matt Ganem the Poet

PRISON OR PARADISE





PRISON OR PARADISE - BLOOPERS





What are your thoughts? 


Comment here.


Thank you!

No matter how small the audience.

I've really been in a zone that I never really expected I’d be in again.  Destructive.  Not only on myself but others.  I allow a certain someone who has been in and out of my life for the past almost 4 years, take a hold of me and he just doesn’t let go.  I don’t allow him to either.  It’s not good.  I was doing alright for a while until I relapsed and now I’m stuck in a rut because we can be so great but then so terrible in a matter of minutes.  I allow him a control on me that I’ve never allowed myself to have with my own self.  How bad is that? Very.

2011 was a turning point year, a lot of things changed. I don’t think I need to continue into detail on everything that has happened but there were definite changes that occurred and the high majority of them were for the positive.

2012 is bringing mixed emotions.  I also do not feel at the moment I need to go into detail on it but for the most part I am happy, angry, extremely busy and tidbit worried about what’s in store for me.

A new friend of mine who is pretty much this mumble-jumble of brilliant words, he gets my mind thinking.  He suggested once that I speak about whatever to a group of people.  I am not a talker, I might be a typer and I have no problem speaking to crowds (see IMAX, 500+ capacity) but to talk about random stuff is completely different than opening myself up to a room full of people, no matter how small the audience. 

We’ll see.

The girl is speaking out.

I feel like singing this song right now by Mayday Parade - Three Cheers for Five Years

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you (I had in you)

Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me, baby

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us - not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me, baby

 

Continue the lyrics here.

One last purge of my dating woes..

And that is all.  All is said and done.

NOW! 

Change directions with me for a minute or seven, let's see where this goes.

Being on and off with a particular someone and now being completely independent has transformed my thought process about 100 degrees, I'm not yet at a full 180 but I'm almost there.  Let me explain it in simple terms.  I'm fine.  I'm having fun.  I'm almost.. ha..pp... I won't even say it.

A song I think fits for me half the time I'm off with him.

What I think when we're off....

Off... again.

Just for kicks.... song is timeless..

Those that know me, know me well enough to know my emotions aren't completely stable.  Most of the time, I'm not that great, never 'happy.'  I mean, I'm great on the surface and I've master the art of the fake smile in public but behind closed doors, I'm usually an emotional wreck due to insecurities, people talking bad on me, pressure from family.  This is where this shit is about to come into play.  I decided I need to write a lot more.  I have a lot to say and I just stopped because I don't really know why but I'm 'picking the pen up' so to speak.  I am a little off, mostly on and always hold the best intentions for anything I do or say.  On the other hand, if someone crosses me, there isn't a reset button. 

The girl is speaking out.

I went out on a certain Friday night, started drinking heavily and got all dressed up in flare jeans and cream point-toe heels, yes this chick wore heels.  SHOCKING. The adorable jeans I bought were just too long and I had to!  I lasted the whole night, can you believe that?!  It was an awesome feeling.

ANYWAYS

We pregamed at the apartment, took the bus to Union, drank with The Bartender, who hooked it up. Thank you! Then ran, yes ran in those heels a half mile to the bus stop to catch it to Magooun and proceeded to drink pitchers and random beverages.. I heard the next night that there were shots involved, this was news to me as was the slew of stories from that evening/early morning chronicled by a friend.  Nothing terrible, nothing shameful and all hilarious.  I endorsed it.. the new me's back to the old me snitches.  I like it.  Just the other day I found a nasty bruise, solid night.

This means, tomorrow should be super interesting as it is of course my 25th birthday.

I also want to speak on something near and dear to me, trash talking.  It was brought to my attention via phone call this week that someone who I've never really spoken to before or hung out with personally was running their mouth about me.  Shame on them, tragic actually.  I forgive you, I do.. you don't know any better.  As a side note, there is absolutely no reason to be a bully to anybody for no apparent reason.  If there is a problem, speak to me directly not the minions in your life.  Seeing as I've never had an actual friendship with this person, it saddens me.  But such is life, and I'm over it and out.

Signing off because.... there's nothing to see here.

ooOooooh burn

xo