The Dating Experiment

You may know that I probably am not 100% stable in my relationship sector of life.. when you’re in an on again, off again type of relationship for an extended period; you've taken a lot of shit.  I always thought I had taken “enough” crap every time some moment went down the shitter.. clearly though as time went on, I hadn't.  I’d love to believe this time is the time which is why I've developed a slightly insane plan.  Be afraid.

I have no problem going up to people at bars, or talking to a stranger.  I’d consider myself good at that.  As self-conscious as I am; I’m not that afraid.  Do I talk to everyone? NO. They have to catch my eye because it’s a no brainer that if you don’t find the person attractive; why bother? You have to deal with looking at that person for an extended period of time and blad-de-blah yeah it’s the inside and all that but let’s be honest; the person has to be esthetically pleasing.

I’m not saying I’m a great catch and I totally get it if someone doesn’t find me attractive, whatever.  It’s just in the public setting such as a bar; it gets old.  There is the mutual friend thing where you see if your friend can get you with someone else they know.. the pursuing your Facebook friends list, creeping seeing if any old connection is there.. the going through the phone book and dialing an ex.  Yeah, all bad ideas right?  Right cause don’t lie, you’ve done one of the above or all.. there isn’t a no answer box here.

That is why; I’ve joined a dating site.  Oh yup you got it.. one of those prestigious ones with the fancy commercials.  I can’t tell you which but I can tell you it’s weird.  As soon as my drunk-ass did it I said “WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?!”

I believe that most guys don’t go up to girls because they’re afraid of rejection and I honestly thing that us ladies handle that rejection way better than the men do.  I believe this to be 100% true after a many conversations with others both male and female.  I also feel that women are generally less attached than men are; details to follow.

I woke up the next morning with about 20 messages, no lie ALL junk.. not junk as the virus thing but all junk like ‘hey wifey how you doin send me pictures xxx-xxx-xxxx..’ 

CREEPS.. 

BLOCK USER.. 

DELETE..

There were a few messages worth keeping to respond to throughout the next day and some profiles that were interesting enough to hold my attention.  Naturally, I responded to some of them and it’s cool to talk online to someone you don’t know I guess.  I mean I honestly think it’s a wicked creep-show yet here I was, engaging in this awkward activity of meeting a potential mate online.

As of 6 days in; I’ve conversed with only a few people, I’ve received several types of internet bullying, some hate mail and I met two guys in open and some-what busy parking lots.

Did I truly want to meet those guys? No.

Why did I? I was hoping that seeing them would do one of three things.  Make me want to date again.  Make me want to see one of them maybe again. Help me realize my own self-worth.

I’ve realized; I do want to date again. Real dates, not jump into something right away kind of deal which was the direction in my last relationship.  I don’t want to see them again because I do realize I’m worth something.

I said to a friend today; It was pounded into my head that if I wasn't with him, I'd be alone.  No one would want me.  So I had to really break away from that damage done and I'm gonna take a guess that I'm not 100% ready for a relationship but I can't help myself on trying to find one anyways.

It really goes back to the beginning of this that as a human you can only take so much shit from someone.

As a complete side-note that ties in slightly to this, I did go on a date with my ex from 2007 this weekend as well.  An actual date, not a meet up and talk for a half hour type deal.  I wasn't sure what to expect.. (details to come because it requires a whole separate topic).

If you're interested in the dating experiment I am conducting; stay tuned because there will for sure.. be more.

I still feel the sting of the pain..

When you pull up to a red light and have some time to look around, what do you see? Something ever hit you funny? Strike a cord with you, how you're feeling or the song that's on..? 

I was at a light and just jamming out to Sara Evans - Stronger, singing away and took a look behind me..

No older than 19 years old in what I'm going to guess was Moms BMW was a guy and girl. They were talking she had puffed her cheeks and he touched her face. Cute, I started to get real sad. I was once young and naive to the feeling of what love could be or was.

Then they kissed, I felt really weird watching but as my song was playing along and the emotions of my own situation just made me cry. I cried. I fucking got all teary and really just had them fucking tears down my ugly assed face. Seriously?

Then he picked up a pen and put it between his nose and mouth and scrunched it up like a mustache and she laughed and I wanted to just drive into the car in front of me at that point and just end it right there. 

It was cute, I felt almost bad for them because the chances of them together in the future are slim and one of them is going to be in a similar painful situation that we all seem to find ourselves in at some point. And then some of us more than others.. or maybe I'm just real pessimistic. 

It hit me so hard. It made me so lonely and feel so awful, it's going to stay with me for a while, all during a powerful song and red light. The moment was short but it's one of those things that has an effect on you. 

Do you look around and see things that strike you differently?

Ironically the song I was listening to is like an empowering, triumphant song where you should get the feeling that you can really get past the one(s) that haven't worked out or hurt you. Now, the mixed emotions I felt just confused the hell out of me and now I'm just feeling like I'm I'm a bigger mess than I started. I wanted to call him right away, I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel something more than what I was feeling. I can't call anyone, there's no voice to hear. I am truly alone in this life. 

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by, 
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger. 

To realize things are changing.. or that things already did?

Slowly people.. everyone, begins to learn certain things at all sorts of different times. That's okay, we're all at different places at any given time but the main idea is that at some point, we learn what we need to know.

It's like how I thought that three years ago, I had found "the one." The one who would transform every aspect of your life into a spiraling disaster without even realizing it until it's too late.

That the best friend I thought I had for five years would boot me from her wedding 5 months to "I do."  The girl who took the dark side and couldn't even muster up the courage to give much reason to any of it.

Or someone you think you can tell everything and anything will get up and walk out at a trivial time during both parties lives. A person who you thought you could tell anything to and within a two week span literally becomes a stranger.

It's a weird feeling, emotional at times and upsetting; to realize things are changing. Or that things already did.

But have they really?

Is it you that is changing or them? Are you changing and they're staying the same? That is something no one really can decipher even if you want to pretend or say you know what's really happening.

For example, for "the one," he may have made you change because of the circumstances you were put under and the pressure made you crack. Would you still be the same as you were three years prior, today? Had you not had "the one" I'm your life? Or are you now someone you don't recognize? You weren't meant to be this way and you can't seem to get back to then.. are you suppose to?

The girl leaving you at the alter of friendship, you didn't change; it's clear. It's only clear because of her life was going through such a transition.  There was no escaping that the aspect of the friendship was going to change, be it minor or drastically. It ended up being drastic and it's over, to cut the losses.. fucking sucks, and you feel like a fool but it needs to be done.

For the confidant, is it a mix of both? Say you know someone for.. 4-5 years, you think you've seen it all.  The ups, the downs; you've been through arguments between one another and put them behind thinking the friendship was too important to let things get in the way. In that time, you've both been through changes and you've changed apart not together.

It's not that any one person wants to change, because really even though we all try and define it; WHAT IS CHANGE?

You don't want to change yourself unknowingly for someone you thought was it.
You don't want your friend to change and leave you behind.
You don't want to grow apart with your partner in crime.

No one wants that but no one can really stop it, there's no real control over it and I think the more you put control on something, the less control you actually have. 

The feeling is there much longer before its over, the feeling of loneliness because you know it's coming and there isn't much you can do to stop it. You can try and insert yourself around and the feeling of rejection is palpable until the cord breaks.

It's okay, roll with the waves; I'm still figuring it out, trying to at least so here I am. Attempting to blog again. I've always had things to say, I tried using twitter as an outlet but I just have too many things in my head to keep in. I've been with this saying I was going to blog for over a year now, with 2012 coming.. perhaps I will.

WTF get an APP!

I can't believe how things have been turning out for me recently.

I wish this fucking site had an iPhone app to make this all so much easier, I clearly do not remember to come on here AT ALL.

I do need to start chronicling myself much more often.  The shit that goes down is ridiculous.

Livejournal.

http://wantedalone.livejournal.com/

THE LIVE JOURNAL ACCOUNT!

Deadjournal.

http://noh.deadjournal.com/

MY DEAD JOURNAL HOLLA mad old now I'm going to go creep it.

Dumbass me deleted all the amazingness from my Myspace account when I saw it all and was embarrased.  That would be been classic sheit to post on here now; good laughs.

Tomorrow is today.

Today is March 31,2011.


Yeah? Who cares.

I keep telling myself everyday I will change tomorrow.

I guess I really need to start with today.

No one can help me but myself and throughout all of this nonsense and bullshit the past month or so; I’m going to do better and be better. Finally. It needs to happen.

April 1st is tomorrow. From then on out I will do what I set out to do from the beginning.. starting today.