Kaeng Raeng - Day One

THIS NEVER HAPPENED BUT... I drafted it! Hahhaa, so here it goes.
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I began this morning, June 24. This post is being written as the day goes on.


Quick rundown on myself. I am 25 years old, 178lbs, 5'4". I've recently been very into staying fit and watching my weight. I've lost 25 since December 2011.


The first drink I made was Reunn Joyful (strawberry, raspberry, pineapple) and I mixed it with Keifer, coconut water, frozen banana and peaches and some spinach. It was on the thick side, I generally like my smoothies that way.


It was good, I drank half of in the bottle prior to a 4 mile walk and the other half afterward.


It went well, tasted fine. I think that for when I make lunch, I'll make it a bit more liquidy.


I ate a large bowl of veggies after another two miles. I had some yellow pepper, cucumber and carrots. At that moment I wanted to change my mind and quit.


More background - my roommate is having people over for a BBQ later. I'm wicked smart to begin today but some shit in my life hit the fan this morning so I decided today was the day while visions of turkey burgers dance in my head.


I stay drinking water on the daily, I think at this moment (3:09pm), I've drank 80 ounces thus far and see myself drinking at least 2x that the remainder. Water is amazing. I'm sickly addicted.


I went to Stop and Shop to pick up a few items, all fresh veggies and fruit for my adventure here.


I made ---- when I got back. Because my blender is at work, I made it with the magic bullet, and made three packed cups with spinach, blk water, pineapple, pieces of banana, mixed berries, green chille, cottage cheese. I'm not sure if the cottage cheese is acceptable but yogurt is for the mixing part and I have some that will be going bad soon so I'm using it.


It tastes okay, nothing to rave about but also need to zone in on what I want to be mixing these with.


At this point, I want to focus on eyes on the prize but this is hard. I thought I could do it and I hope I can.. need to keep pushing positives in my mind.


Made 2nd small drink and added water for the liquid. I want to quit. This is so hard. I'll make a bowl of veggies to see what happens.


I will be doing a green pepper, celery, carrots, jalapeño and tomato. It kills me not to be able to put hot sauce/ tabasco with my veggies cause that's how I eat them. I mean it's just so damn good.


430pm - totally about to give up. I am just so hungry. I can't get even sort of full.


I've only peed 3x today too, even with my daily highly intake of water I usually pee more but not today. Weird.


By 515pm, I am done, I need food.. nauseous, headaches.. sick.

Warrior Dash 2012

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Punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

I try really hard to not think about the "what ifs" in my life. Like, so hard that I'm actually, pretty much, almost always thinking about them. They're like a hang nail you're trying to ignore, let's be real for a moment.. ya can't damn well ignore it too dang much can ya?

Nope.

Didn't think so.

So let's begin.

As of recent, I've begun to think of my daily actions as selfish and foolish. I'm only thinking about myself pretty much all the time. Right, isn't that what we should all be doing? That's what I thought. So in this ME ME ME mentality if we all thought that way, heck we all do think that way. It's probably what's really wrong with the world today.

End tangent, back on topic.

The me right now was the me at the start of 2006, I'm coming full circle. I had experience a huge heart break to wrap up 2005 (well that year was a disaster but I'll get to that later) and was stepping out into my own as a drunk college student. I went ballistic. Pretty much, it doesn't totally need to be explained.

I can sum that up with the following;

Although I'm a little ashamed of how I acted between then and August of 2008 (that date explained later), I couldn't take it back because they not only held the most painful times of my life to date, but also the happiest times. I can't regret the things I enjoyed, none of us can. Even if times were tough we all know it can get harder. It will. Life's proven that to me in many ways and punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

With that noted, I still contemplate the "what if I...." because it's easy to put the blame on something else. I've put together and unofficial list of them.

- What if my Uncle never passed?
- What if I had never met "him 1"?
- What if I hadn't gone to college?
- What if I hadn't lived in the dorm?
- What if I hadn't lived with "the cunt"?
- What if "him 1" and I never broke up, or at least like we did?
- What if I hadn't become a self destructing time bomb?
- What if I wasn't the whore of the dorms?
- What if I didn't disappoint my parents to much?
- What if I hadn't fallen for "him 2"?
- What if "him 2" stayed clean long enough at this point to hold conversation? - this one makes me so upset
- What if I never met "her"?
- What if I kept that sales job?
- What if I had chosen a different major, college, career path, etc.
- What if I never met "him 3," the destroyer of life itself.

Boring you yet? Feel free to comment your "what ifs...".

Let's discuss the last one real quick. If you recall up above, my self destruction period ended abruptly on August 6, 2008. That's when I met "him 3," the destroyer of life. See, as someone on the wrong path and I clearly knew it. I felt so safe from what I was doing to myself that I got so caught up in being tamed. Up until that very moment I can honestly say I had zero intention of having a man in my life. It makes me livid. Livid to type this, that from the moment my eyes landed on this "man," I knew I needed to have him.

It makes me fucking sick.

I threw away everything to be with him and for what? Oh my lawd. I'm getting heated. So.

He wasn't all that bad. We had some good times, like 6 months. Then, well. You know. When we're good, we're good and when we're bad, we're not speaking. Eh. "IT IZ WUT IT IZ," right?

I need to change topics here.

Perhaps another post at a later date about "him 3," the destroyer? It's a love/hate type of deal there and it would totally take this thing way too long so I want to wrap this one up before I spill too more of the chunky details.

Back to the topic.

As you can see my brief list of "what ifs," was actually sort of lengthy and I could totally go on about things I want to change in my life. It doesn't help and it makes things worse. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the way see that I'm acting now is the "grown up" version of me when I broke out in 05/06.

I can honestly say its a little mind fucking, I know what it will bring. I know how I may feel. I can't predict anything but I'll just go right out and say it - this will probably be one of the best years of my youth as long as I let it be. I'm embracing all the changes that have happened thus far and although everything isn't completely in place, I see some great times to come.

Let's be honest for a moment.

Here it is.  What really irks me about online dating. YES. I went back, I had deactivated my account for a bit but really how can I not partake in such hysterical shenanigans?  I must be a loser like the rest.  Suuuursly.

So, here it is.

Usernames like the following;

-          Badboy4u### –really, oh yeah baby I want a bad boy, not.  Okay.. maybe I’m attracted to those kind of guys but I don’t want you to be so aware and youre unaware you make yourself less attractive

-          Sexgod### – does this need an explanation?

-          Slave4u## – Britney Spears, classy

-          Teddybearluvin – ew

BostonBoy###, Beantown### - so many of these it’s hard to tell which one you thought was cute plus it’s so damn generic, I can’t tell you how many there are out there

-  

So, usernames are just funny.  I can’t say that mine is any damn better and I can’t see what other females are using for themselves, but I do know a few girls on there and one has it about Bruins and another has something to do with the ocean.  Mine is pretty terrible, considering I didn’t actually sign up for the site with the right intentions and I was also drunk at the time so I have a fail-fail.. but my name is also true.  Follow my Twitter to see what I mean.

THEREFORE, maybe I’m not creative enough. Nah, I am pretty damn creative.  Toot-toot on my own horn; beeeeep. Lame joke.

Next up, photos.  The most important part of the page, honestly.  Honest-ly.  Let’s face it, we all just click to the photos first and if we like what we see there’s the 50-50 we actually read the About Me, which will be next up of course.

Here’s some descriptions of what I have as photos.  Two of me at the Pat’s game, one of my singing karaoke, two full length shots to show I ain’t a cow/ard (one in Vegas, one in Baton Rouge) and one self-picture but it’s so dang artsy.  I think that’s sort of the type of photos everyone should have.  No damn mirror pictures.  Show that you go out, that you do stuff.  I have people in one of the photos I cropped to protect the innocent but let me tell you that I see a lot of pictures and I saw.. does this kid go out? Does he do stuff? He doesn’t get tagged in Facebook photos, clearly because there is nothing to tell here.  Boring. 

And what is with dirty mirror pictures.  You know exactally what I am talking about. Mirror shots and filthy things happening all around. Hun, I am absolutely not focusing on you at all.  What is that on the mirror? And your toilet.. BELCH.  Suuuursly.

Another gripe, being too close for comfort with another woman in your pictures when it clearly isn’t the kids sister.  That’s a no-no.  Really, just a friend but you’re showing yourself to girls saying you want a relationship? Turn. The. Fack. Off.  I wouldn’t dare post a photo of me kissing a guy on the cheek on my page, so why should a guy be able to do that?

Final topic of the day, the About Me and various messages you receive.  So important, yet so difficult.  Some guys spill their entire story on there, like TMI buddy… TMFI.  Some give their phone numbers in the area.  Really? Like, have you any brains at all.  A decent brained female would never give you the time of day if you’re out there broadcasting you ish like a creeper.  I would certainly not engage in any conversation with the said individuals who do that. 

So let’s dive into the moment you see the picture and you’re like okay.. what’s their About Me section like? So you read and it’s like kinda dry along the lines of. “Hey what’s up I don’t know what to put here so just message me and ask.”  Lame.  Everyone’s interest sort of are similar as a 20-30 year old.  Drink. Party. Sleep. Eat. Work. Sports.. like we get it but some substance is cool too.  Although, then there’s the line of TOO much substance, like so much you’re like eh good thing I looked at this.

My about me is pretty minimal, I don't have much substance to it but guys don't have the mental capacity of a female to I'm sure even care the slightest about what I have to say.  Again, I'm sort of on this for the wrong reasons and it's become a joke with my circle of friends who also partake in online dating.  Let's face it, I don't actually meet any of the people one here, never mind actually hold conversations with them for long on the site.  I get sort of bored.

There’s also spelling errors, grammatical errors, paragraphs wait.. there wasn’t a single line break there.  It would almost be like reading this entire blog post without any line breaks.  Wouldn’t that be so much fun?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.. so why would someone be interested in reading it when you can barely decipher  what they’re saying? It’s like eh, I give up.

When someone writes a message to you and you can tell it’s completely copied and pasted to about 150 girls that same day, you can ignore it and wait for the same message to come a week later OR you can fcuk with them.  That’s the most fun.  Yep, mind games.  They want to think they got you with their clearly pasted blurb but us women are smarter than men and we can one up you every time.  Beware.

Or what about the guys that live at least 6-9 states away from MA and they write you saying how great of a match they think you’d be.  Because, clearly when you live in Ohio, that’s going to work perfectly.

Scratch that final topic part.  I want to touch upon the fact that you’re going to virtually bump into people you know on said online dating site from time to time.  You can make the mistake of saying, OH I KNOW HIM and click his page, laugh and then realize.. OH HE NOW KNOWS I WAS HERE.. thanks recent views.  Shucks, and I wanted to be discrete.  Oh and then they see it, view you and get this, message you! When you very well know that this guy HAS your phone number and is Facebook friends with you.  What a failure moment.  Great.

Now, I know I'm not perfect and no catch but let's be honest for a moment.  We can all complain, it's part of life.  So, ladies of the online dating universe, what are your thoughts about all this.  I know I’ve only hit these topics briefly but let’s have it.  I want to hear what you think, guys too.  Come on kids, don’t be shy.

Prison or Paradise.

If anyone seeing this post could take the time to watch this video, it would be great. 


You can like his Facebook page too.. Matt Ganem the Poet

PRISON OR PARADISE





PRISON OR PARADISE - BLOOPERS





What are your thoughts? 


Comment here.


Thank you!

No matter how small the audience.

I've really been in a zone that I never really expected I’d be in again.  Destructive.  Not only on myself but others.  I allow a certain someone who has been in and out of my life for the past almost 4 years, take a hold of me and he just doesn’t let go.  I don’t allow him to either.  It’s not good.  I was doing alright for a while until I relapsed and now I’m stuck in a rut because we can be so great but then so terrible in a matter of minutes.  I allow him a control on me that I’ve never allowed myself to have with my own self.  How bad is that? Very.

2011 was a turning point year, a lot of things changed. I don’t think I need to continue into detail on everything that has happened but there were definite changes that occurred and the high majority of them were for the positive.

2012 is bringing mixed emotions.  I also do not feel at the moment I need to go into detail on it but for the most part I am happy, angry, extremely busy and tidbit worried about what’s in store for me.

A new friend of mine who is pretty much this mumble-jumble of brilliant words, he gets my mind thinking.  He suggested once that I speak about whatever to a group of people.  I am not a talker, I might be a typer and I have no problem speaking to crowds (see IMAX, 500+ capacity) but to talk about random stuff is completely different than opening myself up to a room full of people, no matter how small the audience. 

We’ll see.