Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

I try really hard to not think about the "what ifs" in my life. Like, so hard that I'm actually, pretty much, almost always thinking about them. They're like a hang nail you're trying to ignore, let's be real for a moment.. ya can't damn well ignore it too dang much can ya?


Didn't think so.

So let's begin.

As of recent, I've begun to think of my daily actions as selfish and foolish. I'm only thinking about myself pretty much all the time. Right, isn't that what we should all be doing? That's what I thought. So in this ME ME ME mentality if we all thought that way, heck we all do think that way. It's probably what's really wrong with the world today.

End tangent, back on topic.

The me right now was the me at the start of 2006, I'm coming full circle. I had experience a huge heart break to wrap up 2005 (well that year was a disaster but I'll get to that later) and was stepping out into my own as a drunk college student. I went ballistic. Pretty much, it doesn't totally need to be explained.

I can sum that up with the following;

Although I'm a little ashamed of how I acted between then and August of 2008 (that date explained later), I couldn't take it back because they not only held the most painful times of my life to date, but also the happiest times. I can't regret the things I enjoyed, none of us can. Even if times were tough we all know it can get harder. It will. Life's proven that to me in many ways and punishing me for the mistakes I've yet to learn.

With that noted, I still contemplate the "what if I...." because it's easy to put the blame on something else. I've put together and unofficial list of them.

- What if my Uncle never passed?
- What if I had never met "him 1"?
- What if I hadn't gone to college?
- What if I hadn't lived in the dorm?
- What if I hadn't lived with "the cunt"?
- What if "him 1" and I never broke up, or at least like we did?
- What if I hadn't become a self destructing time bomb?
- What if I wasn't the whore of the dorms?
- What if I didn't disappoint my parents to much?
- What if I hadn't fallen for "him 2"?
- What if "him 2" stayed clean long enough at this point to hold conversation? - this one makes me so upset
- What if I never met "her"?
- What if I kept that sales job?
- What if I had chosen a different major, college, career path, etc.
- What if I never met "him 3," the destroyer of life itself.

Boring you yet? Feel free to comment your "what ifs...".

Let's discuss the last one real quick. If you recall up above, my self destruction period ended abruptly on August 6, 2008. That's when I met "him 3," the destroyer of life. See, as someone on the wrong path and I clearly knew it. I felt so safe from what I was doing to myself that I got so caught up in being tamed. Up until that very moment I can honestly say I had zero intention of having a man in my life. It makes me livid. Livid to type this, that from the moment my eyes landed on this "man," I knew I needed to have him.

It makes me fucking sick.

I threw away everything to be with him and for what? Oh my lawd. I'm getting heated. So.

He wasn't all that bad. We had some good times, like 6 months. Then, well. You know. When we're good, we're good and when we're bad, we're not speaking. Eh. "IT IZ WUT IT IZ," right?

I need to change topics here.

Perhaps another post at a later date about "him 3," the destroyer? It's a love/hate type of deal there and it would totally take this thing way too long so I want to wrap this one up before I spill too more of the chunky details.

Back to the topic.

As you can see my brief list of "what ifs," was actually sort of lengthy and I could totally go on about things I want to change in my life. It doesn't help and it makes things worse. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the way see that I'm acting now is the "grown up" version of me when I broke out in 05/06.

I can honestly say its a little mind fucking, I know what it will bring. I know how I may feel. I can't predict anything but I'll just go right out and say it - this will probably be one of the best years of my youth as long as I let it be. I'm embracing all the changes that have happened thus far and although everything isn't completely in place, I see some great times to come.