Friday, March 25, 2016

Human Relationships Hurt.

I don't understand much about human relationships.  Clearly.  No matter the lessons learned and experiences gained in your past, nothing prepares you for present and future ones.

It hurts somewhere deep, where you don't think it will affect you.  This feeling creeps in and settles itself.  It plans to stay a while and completely destroys any chances.

To kid.

[OLD. Previously written early to mid February]

Did a pregnancy scare change my mind on having a kid of my own?  I'm currently a week late.  Semi freaking out.  I'm not ready but I'm in denial and am thinking it will come. 

It will.  It has to.

I never thought I was invincible to pregnancy but in the last decade I've never been in this situation. 

My stance on kids are simple.  I'm not ready.  I don't have a steady job, I'm back living with my parents, I am not in a relationship.  I never saw myself having a child, I couldn't picture it but now.. this weird feeling is happening.

I always thought I'd get an abortion.  I should.  I can't raise a child when I can't take care of myself.  If I had a career and able to pay my own rent, that would change the game.  Or would it?

My mind is blank but I'm also spinning in circles.

Don't stop

My mind does not stop.  Music hits me in the soul, right where it hurts.  New nightmares last night.  Why?  I saw you in my alternate world, where I think up insane scenarios when I'm supposed to be sleeping.