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We were together and now we're not.

I have never cried more on a holiday than yesterday.  There.  I said it.  

This Thanksgiving may have topped last year..  or an extremely close call to a tie.

Last year, I was immobilized by a 30 of beers and several shots, puking on myself the night before and laying on the bathroom floor until 6pm causing me to straight up miss Thanksgiving all together. 

This year, I spent the entirety of the day in a fit of tears; literally not speaking to anybody and hiding in a spare bedroom to cry.  I could not fake a smile yesterday and I am a fantastic manipulator of emotions.

As I thought about it, it totally reminded me of the man I saw on the train Wednesday morning.. he was reading on his phone and you could tell how emotionally distraught he was, looking into the face that bunches up trying to hold back tears reminded me of myself. 

It was sort of hard to watch and brought me back to all the times I’ve been commuting and in the middle of an argument with my ex; it was never happy and never pretty.  To be going through that in a public setting is one of the worst feelings in the world; it almost makes everything 100x worse.

I didn’t think that being “alone” for the holidays would hit me that hard.  It’s my first in three years spending them with the same person; however bad we were it was the same tune.  We were together and now we’re not and I hate every single moment of it and the pain has just started to sink in.

What kind of website do you think this is?

I love the internet balls I’ve been receiving via messages on said dating website.  If you don’t like what you see nobody is holding people at gunpoint to write a message to somebody on there. I’m certainly not asking people to write rude things to me.

For the sake of exposing my own self to show you how jerky men are in this world, here is what I have in my about me section;

Hiyaa, so why am I here? Why are you here right? I was in a losing battle with a relationship, took a break and now just trying to mingle in and figured I know someone getting married off a dating site meeting so why not me?

I mean, I don't want that now, not jumping into that ship yet but whatever happens, happens.

I enjoy watching the Bruins and the Sox. I go to a handful of games a year, I try to do one Pat's a year too.

I'll be back later with more to write.
---
I am a jeans and hoodie girl, while I can clean up good I like to be relaxed. You probably won't find me in heels, sorry! (Only on occasion)

I love cooking and I'm a great cleaner upper. Messes bother me so I've become excellent at; "organizing messes" but sometimes things disappear in the trash.. shh. \

I enjoy watching trashy "reality" TV when I'm hanging around or flipping back and forth watching a game.

I don't send pictures, don't ask me about it.. I'm not that girl alright.

I like to watch planes take-off and land; don't hate.. it's fun.

I've recently changed a few things about myself and while I'm working towards a goal (homeownership, potential significant other, etc) I'd love to share my dreams and aspirations with somebody. Working towards something I want with positive people around me is ideal, I haven't always surrounded myself with people who care; lets be real.. who has? But doing a clean-up and tweaking a few things is proving positive. While I can work towards the homeownership solo, it would be nice to share my life with someone else.. isn't that the main objective of this site?

I have a lot of random things I enjoy doing, I don't want to spoil all the fun and tell you so send me a message with something besides; hi, hey, hi hun..etc and maybe we can chat/meet!

Nothing is there that screams; MESSAGE ME AND COMPLAIN TO ME THAT I’M NOT YOUR TYPE!  So.. this is why I am about to share with you all the messages I have received have been atrocious.  I have deleted several already but then decided to stop deleting and I want to show you here just how big these internet balls are.

Here’s a gem I woke up to this morning, you know though it has taken me SO much to hold back from responding to these senseless messages.  I want to fight after it it’s like are you serious dude? Really?  This is what you’re gonna do to try to get with a girl? Would you go up to me in real life at a bar and say; why are you wearing jeans and a hoodie, that isn’t allowed… OMG so here it is.

Sent Date: 11/16/2011 9:55:12 PM from ____ you seemed like you had it going on untill i read your a jeans and hoodie kinda girl. what kind of website do you think this is

What kind of website do I think this is? What kind of website do I think this is? I’m sorry I just have to say that ONE MORE TIME, WHAT KIND OF WEBSITE DO I THINK THIS IS?

Sir.. WHAT KIND OF WEBSITE DO YOU THINK THIS IS?

I’m floored.. anybody that knows me, knows that I am a fighter when it comes to remarks such as those.. holding back while reading that at 5:30am was really hard but at the same time, it’s really funny that someone would actually write that because AGAIN, nobody is holding anybody at gunpoint forcing anybody to write a message, it’s simple.. 

IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE OR READ, DON’T MESSAGE ME.

I’m actually going to change my About Me area and add in that message for an example.  I think it’s merited right there, dudes a gem.

Or how about this one..

Sent Date: 11/17/2011 5:04:44 AM from ____ do you always have a drink in your hand

No sir, I don’t.  One photo in my photos I am holding a drink, one of ten photos.  Fantastic job sir, you haven’t seen my photos and felt the need at 5 in the morning, to write that to me?  I wanted to ask him if he always takes ugly mirror photos since he has one photo up in a dirty dark bathroom but you know, I had to hold back and block user.  They’re winners on here.. really.

There’s one I got at the beginning, I actually met this kid and I was a little unsure of how I felt about it but I’m going to go on about it for the sake of the topic at hand.  He wrote to me this; hey skid mark.  Now, that is no way to start talking to somebody but because it was one of the better messages besides; hey, hi, how you doin, hey sexy..etc I decided to go with it.  I asked him who told him my nick-name.  He said, you’re a bitch you’re not going to get mad at me (bitch is referring to my user name on the site.. yeah I fucked up but with reason).  We ended up messaging and met up one night.  We sat and talked for a few hours in a parking lot and it went kinda well but then he started demanding photos of me via text later on in the week, I wasn’t having it.  I told him I wasn’t that kinda girl and he was barking up the wrong tree; I got a ‘whatever’ and nothing since.  Fine, he was cute but if it’s like that I don’t need it in my life.

I think I’m really trying to just reinvent my dating style.  I am generally a jump into something kinda gal, but I don't meant to be I just get really excited about it and then I get super bored with it and jump out.  

While at the moment I think the only thing I want is to be taken out once in a while, enjoy a conversation and keep it moving, if I find someone I want to continue to see; great. If not, oh well. I have a lot going on in my life and while I do want to get past the things in my past; I’d love to see a future with somebody eventually.  It doesn’t have to be now but putting myself out there won’t hurt either.

The Dating Experiment

You may know that I probably am not 100% stable in my relationship sector of life.. when you’re in an on again, off again type of relationship for an extended period; you've taken a lot of shit.  I always thought I had taken “enough” crap every time some moment went down the shitter.. clearly though as time went on, I hadn't.  I’d love to believe this time is the time which is why I've developed a slightly insane plan.  Be afraid.

I have no problem going up to people at bars, or talking to a stranger.  I’d consider myself good at that.  As self-conscious as I am; I’m not that afraid.  Do I talk to everyone? NO. They have to catch my eye because it’s a no brainer that if you don’t find the person attractive; why bother? You have to deal with looking at that person for an extended period of time and blad-de-blah yeah it’s the inside and all that but let’s be honest; the person has to be esthetically pleasing.

I’m not saying I’m a great catch and I totally get it if someone doesn’t find me attractive, whatever.  It’s just in the public setting such as a bar; it gets old.  There is the mutual friend thing where you see if your friend can get you with someone else they know.. the pursuing your Facebook friends list, creeping seeing if any old connection is there.. the going through the phone book and dialing an ex.  Yeah, all bad ideas right?  Right cause don’t lie, you’ve done one of the above or all.. there isn’t a no answer box here.

That is why; I’ve joined a dating site.  Oh yup you got it.. one of those prestigious ones with the fancy commercials.  I can’t tell you which but I can tell you it’s weird.  As soon as my drunk-ass did it I said “WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?!”

I believe that most guys don’t go up to girls because they’re afraid of rejection and I honestly thing that us ladies handle that rejection way better than the men do.  I believe this to be 100% true after a many conversations with others both male and female.  I also feel that women are generally less attached than men are; details to follow.

I woke up the next morning with about 20 messages, no lie ALL junk.. not junk as the virus thing but all junk like ‘hey wifey how you doin send me pictures xxx-xxx-xxxx..’ 

CREEPS.. 

BLOCK USER.. 

DELETE..

There were a few messages worth keeping to respond to throughout the next day and some profiles that were interesting enough to hold my attention.  Naturally, I responded to some of them and it’s cool to talk online to someone you don’t know I guess.  I mean I honestly think it’s a wicked creep-show yet here I was, engaging in this awkward activity of meeting a potential mate online.

As of 6 days in; I’ve conversed with only a few people, I’ve received several types of internet bullying, some hate mail and I met two guys in open and some-what busy parking lots.

Did I truly want to meet those guys? No.

Why did I? I was hoping that seeing them would do one of three things.  Make me want to date again.  Make me want to see one of them maybe again. Help me realize my own self-worth.

I’ve realized; I do want to date again. Real dates, not jump into something right away kind of deal which was the direction in my last relationship.  I don’t want to see them again because I do realize I’m worth something.

I said to a friend today; It was pounded into my head that if I wasn't with him, I'd be alone.  No one would want me.  So I had to really break away from that damage done and I'm gonna take a guess that I'm not 100% ready for a relationship but I can't help myself on trying to find one anyways.

It really goes back to the beginning of this that as a human you can only take so much shit from someone.

As a complete side-note that ties in slightly to this, I did go on a date with my ex from 2007 this weekend as well.  An actual date, not a meet up and talk for a half hour type deal.  I wasn't sure what to expect.. (details to come because it requires a whole separate topic).

If you're interested in the dating experiment I am conducting; stay tuned because there will for sure.. be more.

I still feel the sting of the pain..

When you pull up to a red light and have some time to look around, what do you see? Something ever hit you funny? Strike a cord with you, how you're feeling or the song that's on..? 

I was at a light and just jamming out to Sara Evans - Stronger, singing away and took a look behind me..

No older than 19 years old in what I'm going to guess was Moms BMW was a guy and girl. They were talking she had puffed her cheeks and he touched her face. Cute, I started to get real sad. I was once young and naive to the feeling of what love could be or was.

Then they kissed, I felt really weird watching but as my song was playing along and the emotions of my own situation just made me cry. I cried. I fucking got all teary and really just had them fucking tears down my ugly assed face. Seriously?

Then he picked up a pen and put it between his nose and mouth and scrunched it up like a mustache and she laughed and I wanted to just drive into the car in front of me at that point and just end it right there. 

It was cute, I felt almost bad for them because the chances of them together in the future are slim and one of them is going to be in a similar painful situation that we all seem to find ourselves in at some point. And then some of us more than others.. or maybe I'm just real pessimistic. 

It hit me so hard. It made me so lonely and feel so awful, it's going to stay with me for a while, all during a powerful song and red light. The moment was short but it's one of those things that has an effect on you. 

Do you look around and see things that strike you differently?

Ironically the song I was listening to is like an empowering, triumphant song where you should get the feeling that you can really get past the one(s) that haven't worked out or hurt you. Now, the mixed emotions I felt just confused the hell out of me and now I'm just feeling like I'm I'm a bigger mess than I started. I wanted to call him right away, I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel something more than what I was feeling. I can't call anyone, there's no voice to hear. I am truly alone in this life. 

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by, 
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same, 
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger. 

To realize things are changing.. or that things already did?

Slowly people.. everyone, begins to learn certain things at all sorts of different times. That's okay, we're all at different places at any given time but the main idea is that at some point, we learn what we need to know.

It's like how I thought that three years ago, I had found "the one." The one who would transform every aspect of your life into a spiraling disaster without even realizing it until it's too late.

That the best friend I thought I had for five years would boot me from her wedding 5 months to "I do."  The girl who took the dark side and couldn't even muster up the courage to give much reason to any of it.

Or someone you think you can tell everything and anything will get up and walk out at a trivial time during both parties lives. A person who you thought you could tell anything to and within a two week span literally becomes a stranger.

It's a weird feeling, emotional at times and upsetting; to realize things are changing. Or that things already did.

But have they really?

Is it you that is changing or them? Are you changing and they're staying the same? That is something no one really can decipher even if you want to pretend or say you know what's really happening.

For example, for "the one," he may have made you change because of the circumstances you were put under and the pressure made you crack. Would you still be the same as you were three years prior, today? Had you not had "the one" I'm your life? Or are you now someone you don't recognize? You weren't meant to be this way and you can't seem to get back to then.. are you suppose to?

The girl leaving you at the alter of friendship, you didn't change; it's clear. It's only clear because of her life was going through such a transition.  There was no escaping that the aspect of the friendship was going to change, be it minor or drastically. It ended up being drastic and it's over, to cut the losses.. fucking sucks, and you feel like a fool but it needs to be done.

For the confidant, is it a mix of both? Say you know someone for.. 4-5 years, you think you've seen it all.  The ups, the downs; you've been through arguments between one another and put them behind thinking the friendship was too important to let things get in the way. In that time, you've both been through changes and you've changed apart not together.

It's not that any one person wants to change, because really even though we all try and define it; WHAT IS CHANGE?

You don't want to change yourself unknowingly for someone you thought was it.
You don't want your friend to change and leave you behind.
You don't want to grow apart with your partner in crime.

No one wants that but no one can really stop it, there's no real control over it and I think the more you put control on something, the less control you actually have. 

The feeling is there much longer before its over, the feeling of loneliness because you know it's coming and there isn't much you can do to stop it. You can try and insert yourself around and the feeling of rejection is palpable until the cord breaks.

It's okay, roll with the waves; I'm still figuring it out, trying to at least so here I am. Attempting to blog again. I've always had things to say, I tried using twitter as an outlet but I just have too many things in my head to keep in. I've been with this saying I was going to blog for over a year now, with 2012 coming.. perhaps I will.