Friday, February 24, 2012

The girl is speaking out.

I feel like singing this song right now by Mayday Parade - Three Cheers for Five Years

I swear that you don't have to go
I thought we could wait for the fireworks
I thought we could wait for the snow
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you (I had in you)

Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me, baby

For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us - not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me, baby

One last purge of my dating woes..

And that is all.  All is said and done.


Change directions with me for a minute or seven, let's see where this goes.

Being on and off with a particular someone and now being completely independent has transformed my thought process about 100 degrees, I'm not yet at a full 180 but I'm almost there.  Let me explain it in simple terms.  I'm fine.  I'm having fun.  I'm almost.. ha..pp... I won't even say it.

Those that know me, know me well enough to know my emotions aren't completely stable.  Most of the time, I'm not that great, never 'happy.'  I mean, I'm great on the surface and I've master the art of the fake smile in public but behind closed doors, I'm usually an emotional wreck due to insecurities, people talking bad on me, pressure from family.  This is where this shit is about to come into play.  I decided I need to write a lot more.  I have a lot to say and I just stopped because I don't really know why but I'm 'picking the pen up' so to speak.  I am a little off, mostly on and always hold the best intentions for anything I do or say.  On the other hand, if someone crosses me, there isn't a reset button. 

The girl is speaking out.

I went out on a certain Friday night, started drinking heavily and got all dressed up in flare jeans and cream point-toe heels, yes this chick wore heels.  SHOCKING. The adorable jeans I bought were just too long and I had to!  I lasted the whole night, can you believe that?!  It was an awesome feeling.


We pregamed at the apartment, took the bus to Union, drank with The Bartender, who hooked it up. Thank you! Then ran, yes ran in those heels a half mile to the bus stop to catch it to Magooun and proceeded to drink pitchers and random beverages.. I heard the next night that there were shots involved, this was news to me as was the slew of stories from that evening/early morning chronicled by a friend.  Nothing terrible, nothing shameful and all hilarious.  I endorsed it.. the new me's back to the old me snitches.  I like it.  Just the other day I found a nasty bruise, solid night.

This means, tomorrow should be super interesting as it is of course my 25th birthday.

I also want to speak on something near and dear to me, trash talking.  It was brought to my attention via phone call this week that someone who I've never really spoken to before or hung out with personally was running their mouth about me.  Shame on them, tragic actually.  I forgive you, I do.. you don't know any better.  As a side note, there is absolutely no reason to be a bully to anybody for no apparent reason.  If there is a problem, speak to me directly not the minions in your life.  Seeing as I've never had an actual friendship with this person, it saddens me.  But such is life, and I'm over it and out.

Signing off because.... there's nothing to see here.

ooOooooh burn



But it isn't. It isn't easy.

I should have done this long before but I just lost the motivation.

I want to give an example of what not to write to females on POF, I mean this is the back story.

We write back and forth a few times, the norm like.. Hi what's up, how's your day, what's your name, what kind of work do you do, oh that's cool, where do you live....  God forbid someone doesn't respond RIGHT back to someone else and a few hours pass.  When accused of something and demanding what someone is doing, you mention your day.. AND THIS..


Yes, what not to write to someone on a dating site.  I never 'ran my mouth,' I told him why I wasn't responding.  He took a simple, I don't always check this site, I was at work, gym.. whatever was said completely out of context. Regardless, should not writing those hate words be common sense? Me thinks so.  This is why I think men are insane.  Women aren't, no we aren't.  Here, take a look at this link; you are not crazy. 

"Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy."

"Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you,” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged."

#FACT - Thank you Yashar, see some of his other works.

How many times have I heard, 'no one will ever want you,' A LOT.  I can't count the times.  That a guy in my life had told me that I was too messed up for someone else to love me and that only he could.  Did I believe it? Yes.  Do I believe it? Yes but I'm breaking myself from that cycle.. right.  It's hard.  It isn't easy, I wish I could have some good advice for someone else but I don't.  I like to pretend I do but that is just wishful thinking.  Anybody can tell anyone anything to make it all sound good and easy but it isn't.  It isn't easy.

So is that POF message acceptable in todays society?  This is for sure not the norm for an online interaction but why did it have to go so far?  It is certainly #cyberbullying, it is ridiculous.  No one should ever have to say that to anybody, not to mention it's screen shotted, it's put into words that are forever embedded and now on the internet.  It is ridiculous behavior and I was honestly afraid.  Now, I reported him, blocked him and haven't heard from him since but I was still scared.  I never exchanged personal information with him, the messages only went back and forth about 10x but it wasn't a good feeling, I laughed it off but what else was I suppose to do.

This happened over a month ago and I actually had stopped using POF before that but my page was still up at the time and when I logged in I saw a few junk messages and a few I figured 'what the heck, I'll respond.'  Stupid haha.  It's all a learning experience but jeez, what was written and now immortalized, is a bit intense.  I feel bad for the poor soul that actually does meet this man.  

I don't use the site(s) as I did at the beginning of this project and I have definitely took the steps to end it, removing my pages from the sites but not due to this one jerk-off, due to.. shit I'm having fun right now why bother with dating?  Will I go back? Maybe, it was sort of fun to go 'shopping' for guys online.. but not now.  I'm not ready to do that.

Now, the single girl chronicles start. Welcome to a nightmare.  Are you coming along for the ride?

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Before I Love.

I cannot love anybody else before I love myself.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Wooop! There it is.

Took a short break, long one. Whaaaatever.

Lots of changes since December, positive. Positive. POSITIVE.

I made some moves and I’m going places.  Feels good to be on track again.

More later, I swear I’ll keep up this time!

Wooop!  There it is.