Human Relationships Hurt.

I don't understand much about human relationships.  Clearly.  No matter the lessons learned and experiences gained in your past, nothing prepares you for present and future ones.

It hurts somewhere deep, where you don't think it will affect you.  This feeling creeps in and settles itself.  It plans to stay a while and completely destroys any chances.

To kid.

[OLD. Previously written early to mid February]

Did a pregnancy scare change my mind on having a kid of my own?  I'm currently a week late.  Semi freaking out.  I'm not ready but I'm in denial and am thinking it will come. 

It will.  It has to.

I never thought I was invincible to pregnancy but in the last decade I've never been in this situation. 

My stance on kids are simple.  I'm not ready.  I don't have a steady job, I'm back living with my parents, I am not in a relationship.  I never saw myself having a child, I couldn't picture it but now.. this weird feeling is happening.

I always thought I'd get an abortion.  I should.  I can't raise a child when I can't take care of myself.  If I had a career and able to pay my own rent, that would change the game.  Or would it?

My mind is blank but I'm also spinning in circles.

Don't stop

My mind does not stop.  Music hits me in the soul, right where it hurts.  New nightmares last night.  Why?  I saw you in my alternate world, where I think up insane scenarios when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

Halsey.IsThereSomewhere

I did something.

I did something today I'm surely going to regret, or cause a set back.  In my heart I felt it was right at the time.  We will see.   It's been a long time coming.

More later.

C

Jobs, part 1

Here's a wild thought.  If you went to school for accounting, chances are you wanted to be an accountant.  Right?

I got a business degree knowing it's generic enough and a the time, I had no idea.  Not enough experiences because honestly in college there are two types of students.  The "I know" and the "I don't know."  The "I know" kids go off on their merry way (and OK yes sometimes what they thought doesn't always work out, but they had direction).

The "I don't know" kids might seem lost and just gloat along after graduation taking what they can get and so be it.  It doesn't mean they wont find their path along the way, some longer than others.  It shouldn't be expected that a young 20-something should know what they're going to do but coming out of college that was the undeniable pressure that was felt and if you didn't know then society made you feel bad about it.  Going to school, spending that money and not knowing.

I bet you fell into one or the other here.  With or without a college degree at that.  With hard work or by chance, someone took a bet on you and there you are, reading this letter.

Congratulations.
_______________________

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Offspring.

I don't want you to want to be with me because I may or may not want kids one day.  I want you to be with me because you love me.

Right?  Having offspring is quite the deal breaker these days.

Single parents. Dating. Single people. Dating.  We're a mess of imperfect people with less than perfect idea of what we think we want and need.

When you know, I feel like that's it. You know. You either want to be a parent, or you have no desire to.  No one should be swayed one way or another to be in and stay in a relationship.

That's the idea of it anyways, because it absolutely sucks to fall in love with someone only to know that its never going to work out because of what they want in the end. 

Except for myself.

I wish I could believe people are honest. I wish I could believe the things that we should believe. Like, if they wanted to be together they would be. Right? Sometimes I feel like people think they're stuck if they say they want to be with someone and then change their mind. Why is that? Why is it that no one has a backbone anymore when it comes to love and relationships. If there's even a such thing as love. I feel like were forced to question that every day.

I really do want to believe that love exists, and I want to believe the peoples actions aren't really a reflection of how they actually feel. We all perceive things differently so we might really see what we want to see based on how we feel and not what it's really meant to be.

Sometimes I feel like I trick myself into believing that I shouldn't be happy.  That everyone's motive is to destroy me and so I see what they do and think its a negative action. It's such a dark way to live, because in reality believe me no ones out to get me except for myself.

2015.1

I spent half the year with my best friend by my side and the other half alone.

Last year on the eve of the New Year, we were pulling into the hotel, talking about what would order for food and all the fun things we do to each other. I miss it. So much. Desire. He had me under a spell. I had only known him 3 months and I could see the rest of our lives together laid out in front of me.

I met him online, his profile said separated. He had a photo of a little baby and in my mind I prayed it was his niece or a friends kid. Of course it wasn’t. The first night we talked, we texted for a while and spoke on the phone for hours. We talked continuously for the next week for hours on end. The moment we met, I knew I was in trouble. There was an instant connection.

I was head over heels. His shaved head and grizzly face. Tattooed ears and over stretched earlobes. Those eyes pierced through me like knives. I see them in my sleep, haunting me. Those eyes knew what I was feeling before I did. I don’t think anyone will ever look at me the same way he did and that scares me.

I saw those eyes through so many emotions. Happiness, bliss, love, pain, anger, sadness. I saw those eyes cry for his daughter, for himself and for me. Totally lost in the moments, I could look into the openness of them and be perfectly content.

I believed he loved me. I had to. I also believe in the convenience of it all. Was I there to fill a void? Did I see what I wanted to see? I accepted him for who he was fully and I had to believe he accepted me. I was with a married man who was about to be a single father. I had to learn patience. Good thing I had practice from the man-child I briefly dated that summer before I met him.

Not only did I have to be patient, I had to come to the conclusion I would never come first (except in bed). Would that be OK? Was it a tradeoff for more than half the week and his obvious need (insert custody agreement) to sacrifice the weekend to be alone so he could make up for lost time with his 3 year old? He did have to work 40 hours in a 3 day span to do this driving 2.5 in the car a day to/from work. So when was there time for "us?”

No. It’s not that I didn’t try to make the weekend thing work. It’s dicey with a kid involved and we weren’t trying to confuse an already fucked up 3 year old. Ultimately, this factor was the reason it ended. That and some other things.

By law, he was married. By the look of his house, she was definitely gone. For the record, she was gone months before I knew him. She didn’t make it easy though. That, if I’m not happy you’re not happy mentality. We all do it though, let’s be serious. In some aspect you’ve had that mind set and I couldn’t even be mad. It was weird but I felt bad for her. She gave up quick because pretending to care about something you don’t care about probably got exhausting. She kept herself busy with the guy she left him for and spending the least amount of time possible with her daughter.

They say many contradictory things about love and what it means. They say that timing is everything but at the same time that it doesn't matter the circumstances, love is love and you should give your all to make it work. You shouldn't give your all if you receive nothing in return. The constant battle between head and heart, right and wrong, mind and soul. He is my one and the moment it ended, I lost a part of myself I’ll never see again.