2015.1

I spent half the year with my best friend by my side and the other half alone.

Last year on the eve of the New Year, we were pulling into the hotel, talking about what would order for food and all the fun things we do to each other. I miss it. So much. Desire. He had me under a spell. I had only known him 3 months and I could see the rest of our lives together laid out in front of me.

I met him online, his profile said separated. He had a photo of a little baby and in my mind I prayed it was his niece or a friends kid. Of course it wasn’t. The first night we talked, we texted for a while and spoke on the phone for hours. We talked continuously for the next week for hours on end. The moment we met, I knew I was in trouble. There was an instant connection.

I was head over heels. His shaved head and grizzly face. Tattooed ears and over stretched earlobes. Those eyes pierced through me like knives. I see them in my sleep, haunting me. Those eyes knew what I was feeling before I did. I don’t think anyone will ever look at me the same way he did and that scares me.

I saw those eyes through so many emotions. Happiness, bliss, love, pain, anger, sadness. I saw those eyes cry for his daughter, for himself and for me. Totally lost in the moments, I could look into the openness of them and be perfectly content.

I believed he loved me. I had to. I also believe in the convenience of it all. Was I there to fill a void? Did I see what I wanted to see? I accepted him for who he was fully and I had to believe he accepted me. I was with a married man who was about to be a single father. I had to learn patience. Good thing I had practice from the man-child I briefly dated that summer before I met him.

Not only did I have to be patient, I had to come to the conclusion I would never come first (except in bed). Would that be OK? Was it a tradeoff for more than half the week and his obvious need (insert custody agreement) to sacrifice the weekend to be alone so he could make up for lost time with his 3 year old? He did have to work 40 hours in a 3 day span to do this driving 2.5 in the car a day to/from work. So when was there time for "us?”

No. It’s not that I didn’t try to make the weekend thing work. It’s dicey with a kid involved and we weren’t trying to confuse an already fucked up 3 year old. Ultimately, this factor was the reason it ended. That and some other things.

By law, he was married. By the look of his house, she was definitely gone. For the record, she was gone months before I knew him. She didn’t make it easy though. That, if I’m not happy you’re not happy mentality. We all do it though, let’s be serious. In some aspect you’ve had that mind set and I couldn’t even be mad. It was weird but I felt bad for her. She gave up quick because pretending to care about something you don’t care about probably got exhausting. She kept herself busy with the guy she left him for and spending the least amount of time possible with her daughter.

They say many contradictory things about love and what it means. They say that timing is everything but at the same time that it doesn't matter the circumstances, love is love and you should give your all to make it work. You shouldn't give your all if you receive nothing in return. The constant battle between head and heart, right and wrong, mind and soul. He is my one and the moment it ended, I lost a part of myself I’ll never see again.