You may know that I probably am not 100% stable in my relationship sector of life.. when you’re in an on again, off again type of relationship for an extended period; you've taken a lot of shit. I always thought I had taken “enough” crap every time some moment went down the shitter.. clearly though as time went on, I hadn't. I’d love to believe this time is the time which is why I've developed a slightly insane plan. Be afraid.
I have no problem going up to people at bars, or talking to a stranger. I’d consider myself good at that. As self-conscious as I am; I’m not that afraid. Do I talk to everyone? NO. They have to catch my eye because it’s a no brainer that if you don’t find the person attractive; why bother? You have to deal with looking at that person for an extended period of time and blad-de-blah yeah it’s the inside and all that but let’s be honest; the person has to be esthetically pleasing.
I’m not saying I’m a great catch and I totally get it if someone doesn’t find me attractive, whatever. It’s just in the public setting such as a bar; it gets old. There is the mutual friend thing where you see if your friend can get you with someone else they know.. the pursuing your Facebook friends list, creeping seeing if any old connection is there.. the going through the phone book and dialing an ex. Yeah, all bad ideas right? Right cause don’t lie, you’ve done one of the above or all.. there isn’t a no answer box here.
That is why; I’ve joined a dating site. Oh yup you got it.. one of those prestigious ones with the fancy commercials. I can’t tell you which but I can tell you it’s weird. As soon as my drunk-ass did it I said “WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING?!”
I believe that most guys don’t go up to girls because they’re afraid of rejection and I honestly thing that us ladies handle that rejection way better than the men do. I believe this to be 100% true after a many conversations with others both male and female. I also feel that women are generally less attached than men are; details to follow.
I woke up the next morning with about 20 messages, no lie ALL junk.. not junk as the virus thing but all junk like ‘hey wifey how you doin send me pictures xxx-xxx-xxxx..’
There were a few messages worth keeping to respond to throughout the next day and some profiles that were interesting enough to hold my attention. Naturally, I responded to some of them and it’s cool to talk online to someone you don’t know I guess. I mean I honestly think it’s a wicked creep-show yet here I was, engaging in this awkward activity of meeting a potential mate online.
As of 6 days in; I’ve conversed with only a few people, I’ve received several types of internet bullying, some hate mail and I met two guys in open and some-what busy parking lots.
Did I truly want to meet those guys? No.
Why did I? I was hoping that seeing them would do one of three things. Make me want to date again. Make me want to see one of them maybe again. Help me realize my own self-worth.
I’ve realized; I do want to date again. Real dates, not jump into something right away kind of deal which was the direction in my last relationship. I don’t want to see them again because I do realize I’m worth something.
I said to a friend today; It was pounded into my head that if I wasn't with him, I'd be alone. No one would want me. So I had to really break away from that damage done and I'm gonna take a guess that I'm not 100% ready for a relationship but I can't help myself on trying to find one anyways.
It really goes back to the beginning of this that as a human you can only take so much shit from someone.
As a complete side-note that ties in slightly to this, I did go on a date with my ex from 2007 this weekend as well. An actual date, not a meet up and talk for a half hour type deal. I wasn't sure what to expect.. (details to come because it requires a whole separate topic).
If you're interested in the dating experiment I am conducting; stay tuned because there will for sure.. be more.