Friday, November 25, 2011

We were together and now we're not.

I have never cried more on a holiday than yesterday.  There.  I said it.  

This Thanksgiving may have topped last year..  or an extremely close call to a tie.

Last year, I was immobilized by a 30 of beers and several shots, puking on myself the night before and laying on the bathroom floor until 6pm causing me to straight up miss Thanksgiving all together. 

This year, I spent the entirety of the day in a fit of tears; literally not speaking to anybody and hiding in a spare bedroom to cry.  I could not fake a smile yesterday and I am a fantastic manipulator of emotions.

As I thought about it, it totally reminded me of the man I saw on the train Wednesday morning.. he was reading on his phone and you could tell how emotionally distraught he was, looking into the face that bunches up trying to hold back tears reminded me of myself. 

It was sort of hard to watch and brought me back to all the times I’ve been commuting and in the middle of an argument with my ex; it was never happy and never pretty.  To be going through that in a public setting is one of the worst feelings in the world; it almost makes everything 100x worse.

I didn’t think that being “alone” for the holidays would hit me that hard.  It’s my first in three years spending them with the same person; however bad we were it was the same tune.  We were together and now we’re not and I hate every single moment of it and the pain has just started to sink in.

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